Thursday, 28 November 2013

Dear Lady Violet

Dear Lady Violet,

My fiancée keeps sending nude pictures of herself to other men. I wouldn't mind, but a couple of these guys have got in touch with me and explained that they've tried to get her to stop, and can I do something about it. One of them got quite shirty about it, and raised doubts as to the state of my manhood - which I felt was most uncalled-for - and called me some quite unprintable names.

Here is a picture of my fiancée: 
I'd kind of assumed that someone like this would be a faithful wife, but now I'm not so sure.  My friends keep telling me I could do better, but what do you think?  What should I do?

Yours sincerely,

Boak Bumtrinket, OBE

Lady V:
Dear Mr Bumtrinket,
True love and devotion do not necessarily rest with good looks. And yours most certainly does not. Seldom have I seen a more repellent fiancée. Of course, her sending of pictures of herself might be down to any number of psychological conditions, including insanity, and behaviour of this sort is very difficult to change. Professional medical help is needed here, I think – and for the unfortunate recipients of such loathsome images. Beyond that, I can only suggest a dart-administered horse tranquilliser.

Dear Lady Violet,

My fiancé doesn't seem interested in me any more. I've been doing everything I can think of to try and provoke some reaction from him - including sending nude photos of myself to other men to make him jealous. But I often get the impression I could dance naked in the garden and he wouldn't notice. He's been getting angry because the other men point and laugh at him, but so far I haven't been unfaithful. He often makes me feel unloved and unattractive and I tell you that's a bit of a laugh because he looks like this: 

(I think that may be a bit of my tummy in the background, but I'm not sure). What should I do? Should we be getting married, or do you think I could do better for myself?


Fanny Wagstaff xx

Dear Lady V:
Dear Miss Wagstaff,

It is rare that I receive such coincidental letters. I have been in recent touch with a Mr Bumtrinket of your ken. Like yourself, he is very upset and at a loss in terms of your mutual heartache. I enclose a copy of my letter to Mr Bumtrinket. It contains some hard truths. In the interim, a new, drastic solution has occurred to me. I note from the Glossop postmark on both letters that you and Mr Bumtrinket are resident in that area. Confidential sources inform me that since the closure of Glossop’s Pangolin Centre, Glue Works and Obscene Video Studios, unemployed, radical-thinking Glossopians are hiring themselves out as hit-men/women. Need I say more?


  1. Dear Mr Pangolin,

    I should like to be introduced to the lady in the top photograph. I was going to say that I can pay handsomely, in cash, but on closer inspection I think this should be the other way round.

    Though I can supply a tank full of water for her to wallow in. I also think she would look good on the beach, with the other elephant seals.

  2. Mr Nerd,
    Your remarks are hurtful and very nearly didn't get published.
    Steve Wuss [Ed.]


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