Pangolin Stupid Box - No.1

According to some folk who know about these things, a ticket to watch a Chelsea away game costs £70. That’s SEVENTY! pounds. And such is the tribal nature of the true supporter, the club has no problem selling them. Given the obscene level of footballers salaries, I suppose clubs must do this to make ends meet.

But here in the Pangolin office this morning, as staff were huddled around the warm telly, we heard something which made Chelsea sound positively cheap.

It's to do with golf. For the uninitiated out there, golf is a sport involving a little hard ball, small holes, a playing area the size of Montenegro, metal sticks and a human. The little hard ball gets whacked by the human using a metal stick so as to get it into one of the little holes. Least whacks wins. The little hard ball has to go into one of the little holes in order – one to eighteen – so whackists must walk miles between holes. Or drive in little buggies. Very few run.

Sound like fun? Well it is for one golfist – a very pleasant-looking self-effacing Irish chappie called Mc Illroy who is a successful professional whackist and announced today that he was changing his sticks from whatever he used to use to some made by Nike. Here comes the jaw–dropper. Mr McIllroy’s deal with said company is worth £44, 000 (forty-four thousand) PER DAY! Come on! That’s way beyond obscene. 

It merits its very own Stupid Box.

More edifying thoughts

Edifying Thoughts as it's Sunday

The Pope was in the Vatican

Where the paint was all a’peelin’

He decided to do the whole place up

Michelangelo got the ceilin’

Local Artist defaces Painting

Curator of Glossop's Museum of Pictures an' That, Dame Caroline Mouthful, was reported to be shocked beyond belief by local artist Aubrey Spanner's deliberate and admitted defacing of the Museum's recent most controversial acquisition, "Load of Balls" by up-and-coming painter Traci Omen (23).  Mr Spanner is understood to have handed himself in to the Police, claiming to be the Prime Minister and therefore able to do as he pleases.

"Besides", said Mr Spanner, "it is".

The Nature of Time

The Pangolin’s Science Correspondence Dr P J Whimbrel answers some of the thousands of letters and emails we’ve had about the nature of Time. What is it? Where does it go?

From Barry in Dawlish:

“What’s all this stuff about time running out? They’re always telling us stuff’s running out. Gas, oil, an’ it never does. OK there might be the odd queue but it never runs out does it? It's just there innit.”

And Mrs Jean Flambard MSc, in Bath.

“Surely time is the ultimate barrier linked as it is to the speed of light and velocities humans can never achieve".

Dr Whimbrel writes:

“Whoa Jean! Heavy, heavy! You’ve been watching Beeb 4 haven’t you? Maybe peeking at all that stuff coming out of CERN, yeah? But you’re probably right, OK? Besides, Godwit and Zyrcwzc’s work on time travel suggests that if we DID travel back and forth in time, our natural curiosity would really screw things up. I mean we’d fiddle, right? Who could resist getting Elvis onto a drugs rehabilitation programme or taking Himmler to one side and beating the shit out of him? Or having the final goal disallowed in 1966?”

(Pause here for Dr Whimbrel to have a bit of a lie down).

“And Barry – a practical chap obviously – you’ll be pleased to know that for years scientists have suspected that like gas and oil, this planet has vast reservoirs of time buried somewhere. Occasionally, operating a bit like volcanoes, a bit of time leaks out into the atmosphere through a vent. Some think that our very own Prime Minister is such a vent. Whenever he speaks, time seems to pass very slowly. 

But we’re a long way from being sure about this. Mr Cameron was approached some time ago by Dr Godwit to see if the PM has a vent. Ugly scenes followed with Dr Godwit being called an interfering Pleb and being made to give Mr Cameron his trousers back. Best I can do Baz. Time will tell.”

Wow. Dontcha love that Science! Next time we’ll be talking to Kate Rumble from BBC’s Slimewatch about why slugs crawl up garage walls at night. Can’t wait!