Pangolin Science: Time Travel

Thanks to the tireless efforts of hundreds of scientists at the Hadron Collider (a sort of underground giant circular metal tube around which stuff is fired in the hope that bits of stuff will bash into each other) it is now widely accepted that there is a little tiny thing called a Higgs Boson which can in fact travel faster than the speed of light. This means that Bosons must whizz back and forth, from dimension to dimension, creating all sorts of problems for astro physicists and mathematicians. Also, Bosons are nowhere near as useful as Teflon.

So what does all this mean to the ordinary man or woman or transgender person in the street? Well, despite my being a fairly famous scientist, having had papers published on things like why jeans manufacturers insist on using fly buttons instead of the far more efficient zip, and only last year, my controversial piece on mole masturbation, I don’t have a lot of patience with the time travel lobby. In fact, to use a technical term, I think it's bollocks.

Having spoken at length to many mystics, spiritual leaders, Churchpeople, the ghost of Arthur C Clarke, and Mrs Muriel Twite who does readings, I am convinced that past, present and future do not exist. Everything is happening all at once. OK, puny humans only last 80-odd years, but during that time, everything that has ever happened, is happening, and will happen is taking place simultaneously. Dying is but a stage in our mortal progress. Afterwards we become part of the great timeless cycle.

Many fellow scientists scoff at my beliefs (Oh yes they do!). They ask stupid questions like; if its all happening at once, why can’t we see it? I would have thought that was obvious. Life as we know it would become impossible if we were trying to complete our daily tasks when in one corner of the room Anne Boleyn was having her head chopped off whilst in the other the Germans were marching into Poland. Fortunately all these things are usually kept separate by infinitesimally thin cosmic dividers. I say “usually” because very occasionally beings from one dimension stray into another. These are called Ghosts and are a damned nuisance.

Happily, unlike the ideas of the boson advocates, my theory is easily proved. All it takes is a comfortable chair, low lighting, Enya on the gramophone, a fat joint and a large bottle of Rasputin vodka. Enjoy!

Dr P J Whimbrel