View from Civic Hall

In more upbeat news, I’m glad to report that the fire at the Springland Toddlers Playschool has finally been put out. It is thought the fire started in the toy cupboard when battery acid leaked from a faulty Harvey the Rapping Caterpillar. Despite the best efforts of our fire service, the fire burned turquoise for seventeen days and the toxic cloud drifted as far as twenty miles. Residents who still claim to be seeing hallucinations are advised to ignore their dead uncle crawling across the ceiling. He cannot hurt you with his bullwhip.

As your council leader, I was disturbed to learn that America’s National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of foreign nationals including those of local residents. Mrs Skeetch from the Crystal Therapy Club contacted me to say that a rotating piece of quartz on a string had confirmed the bad news. Her phone had been tapped! I have therefore taken it upon myself to direct a stern letter of rebuke to the head of the NSA, the US Congress and Senate, and a copy was also CC’d to the President, expressing the disapproval of the country council that the American government are spying on practitioners of alternative medicine in the borough. For good measure, Mrs Skeetch has waved a lump of feldspar over a copy of the American constitution. Meanwhile, I have asked Mr Frobisher, the town clerk, to have user passwords changed on all council computers using a cunning code based on initials, star signs and my own Top Secret inside leg measurement.

Finally some good news. I’m delighted to say that I have declared next Tuesday to be ‘County Grid Day’. Civic engineers will go out to local schools and show pupils what lies beneath our local grids. These activities are not just limited to schoolchildren. Perhaps you have a grid outside your home or place of worship and have always thought ‘I wonder what’s under that grid?’ Well, now is your chance. Just grab yourself a crowbar and take a look. You might be surprised at what you find and we’ll be paying fifty pence for every dead rat you retrieve from under a grid. An additional £100 reward will also go to the first person to find a keyring marked ‘BP’ attached to what might look like a bank storage locker but, I can assure you, is nothing of the kind.