BANG!
"Ooh listen Josh – is that Kill Bill?"
"Well, hello Willow and no, I don’t think it was Bill. I think it was his gun."
"Oh, you! You know what I mean. But I thought we’d persuaded Bill to stop shooting fenceposts."
"You’re right Willow, we did. We proved to him that cattle do not catch TB from fenceposts.
Something of a little victory during the last series."
Something of a little victory during the last series."
BANG!
"So what’s he shooting at now?"
"Bollards."
"I beg your pardon?"
"No, I mean he’s shooting at tick–infested bollards."
"But there aren’t any bollards here on the wildly beautiful heather-covered uplands, Josh."
"Well no, but bollards do look a bit like fenceposts."
BANG!
"Ah well, moving on, I hear you’ve some exciting news about one or two of our rarer birds, Willow."
"Yes indeed Josh. We’ve been given pre-publication access to stunning new pics of some of our most endangered species, by the RSPRWB (Royal Society for the Protection of Really Weird Birds)."
"Oh, I can’t wait Willow! Let’s have a peep now, eh?"
"Oh, I can’t wait Willow! Let’s have a peep now, eh?"
 |
| The Crested Grumpie Oustandingly bad-tempered, the Crested Grumpie eats only beans. The resulting flatulence means that most Grumpies are solitary. It sometimes emits a disgruntled "Huh". |
 |
| The Lesser Gobwit Characterised by its unkempt appearance and a tendency to fly into fenceposts, this native scavenger will eat almost anything, being especially fond of bits of string. The call is a gruff "Uuuurgh-okk!" |
 |
| Snapshott's Whimbrel An increasingly rare wetlands wader. Few mating pairs are reported due to the females thinking the males (above) look stupid. Its cry is a haunting "Pip pip pip f'tang f'tang werp werp boom!" |
(Parp! Huh)
"Whoa! Right on cue Josh. Unless I’m very much mistaken, there’s a Grumpie close by…"
BANG!
Sir/Madam,
ReplyDeleteI very much resent your description of Snapshott's Whimbrel, first sighted by my great - great uncle Randolph near Spume Sands in 1897. It is in fact a much misunderstood summer visitor and the "werp, werp, boom" cry is only ever heard in extremis when the bird is sexually frustrated or being interfered with by the Horny Snipe. In normal circumstances, Snapshott's Whimbrel utters a most melodic song not unlike Tom Jones' evocative "The Green, Green Grass of Home"
Yours etc.,
Rt Hon.Julian Snapshott Llb,MA,Queen's Park Rangers
I'll have you know that my cry of 'Werp werp Boom' is to proclaim my virility and to announce a 'P*** off ****face - this town ain't big enuff for both of us' message to other interfering males - your great great uncle included. Sexually frustrated my ass. Speak for yourself, you, you QPR fan, you!
ReplyDeleteFYI. Queen's Park Rangers is an elite infantry regiment.
ReplyDelete