The Pangolin

Dear Lady Violet,

This is the first time I've ever had a problem and so it is the first time I've written to a problem page like this one.

You see I think my boyfriend doesn't care about me any more. Two days ago when he was round here he accidentally forgot to put sugar in my tea and so I got really angry and swore at him, hit him with an oven glove (which was on fire at the time) and threw a chair at him. Then I tipped him out of a first floor window. Then he tried to get back in the house and I blasted him with a shotgun. He ran away and hasn't been in touch since.

Don't you think that if he really cared, he'd be trying to contact me? I just feel so sad and rejected. He used to say I had anger management issues, but I'm ****** if I know what he's talking about. Can you help?

Yours,

Prunella Viper (54) M A Cantab.

Dear Ms Viper,

Hell hath no fury like a woman unsweetened, eh? Yours is an especially interesting case, involving as it does actual bodily harm, combustible kitchen-wear and an obviously uncaring male. That this pathetic, selfish creature "ran away" instead of confronting obvious relationship difficulties suggests to me that he is unable to read those subtle, intimate signs - like being shot - that all is not well between a man and a woman.

Your best course here is to get rid of the gun, any furniture debris there may be, and the charred oven glove . The police are especially unimaginative when it comes to investigating what they call "domestic violence" and faced with a complaint from someone - especially a man -  who may well be on fire, bruised and full of shotgun pellet holes will probably leap to the wrong conclusion. If, on the other hand your erstwhile partner became dead after you shot him, you are, in the words of Lord Chief Justice Garrotte, in deep, deep shit.

I suggest that you contact me privately on 0800 767 555432876856 so that we may discuss the acquisition of false passports, plastic surgery and an overseas destination uncluttered by extradition treaties. These measures may seem extreme, my dear, but it is a sad fact that your actions, in the eyes of our male dominated legal system were illegal.

Yours in sisterhood,

Lady V.

Dear Lady Violet,

I decided I needed some new makeup, as it will mean it will be easier to catch and keep a man. Also, makeup is one of my main hobbies. Also, I hadn't bought any since the previous day. So I was long overdue for some new makeup.

At the makeup counter in a well-known department store I met a really nice man. We had so much in common. We even like the same brand of nail varnish! We chatted for half an hour, I helped him select some false eyelashes with a green glitter finish (he tried on several pairs), and he helped me to decide which type of foundation was ideally suited to my skin tone. We got on so well. But he never asked me out on a date!

Are all men like this? Or did I do something wrong?

Yours,

Floribette Schuffenecker-Blartfast (Miss)

P.S. Last week I met a frog. Even I could tell he was a frog. I told him to hop it.

Dear Miss Schuffenecker-Blartfast,

I wonder if you are related to the Poppington Blartfasts? Sir Toby "Full English" Blartfast and I had a thing going between the wars involving lard and interestingly shaped vegetables, but food rationing nipped all that sort of thing in the bud. However, I digress.  Like you, I am very keen on make-up and believe that a gel should look her best at all times, especially whilst at it. Sadly, having read your letter, I can only conclude that the "man" you met at the make-up counter was probably little more than a transexual, cross-dressing poofter seeking to steal your make-up secrets.

Do not despair. All men are not like this. Boring though it may seem, you need to be on the look out for one who does not favour green-glitter eye enhancement but who can respond positively to whispered suggestions such as: "I've got my van outside. Fancy a quick one?"

Yours etc

Lady V.