Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Pangolin News Flash!


                         IMMIGRANT CRISIS HITS GLOSSOP

  • Strange person seen in street
  • Pensioners not safe in their beds
  • Washing stolen from line

In this exclusive report from award winning journalist Portia Fishwick, we reveal the horror of a continental invasion.

Today, the normally bustling highways and byways of this Derbyshire town are deserted, save for keen-eyed patrolling Police officers.

Chief Inspector Dave Grist
Says Chief Inspector Dave Grist: “This is something we take very seriously” C I Grist’s words were echoed by Councillor Joyce Humper on Radio Glossop when she said, “The Police are taking this very seriously.”

I was given special permission by C I Grist to speak to actual eyewitnesses of the incident which has struck fear into the hearts of Glossopians. In the town’s launderette I found Mrs Eileen O’Blimey [47], a frail,brave woman who, in her own words said, "I just had to nip out and get me smalls done as we have had our washing machine repossessed". Visibly shaken, she went on, “I was just crossing the road by the bookies when I seen this bloke. He didn’t look local and I suddenly realized he were foreign.” At this point Mrs O’Blimey looked very shaken and had to sit down. The story was taken up by launderette manager Traci Blunt [19]. She said; "Yeah, I seen him an’ all. He definitely looked foreign, an’ he was like, walking along."

Leaving these plucky women, I went next to the tap room of The Royal Gherkin, normally quiet at this time of day but now crowded with mostly men wisely taking a day off work. “I mean, its not safe to be out there, is it?” queried a young strapping chap called Grant who didn’t want his name mentioned. However, the Gherkin’s landlord, Des Gimlet, had no such reservations. He said, “I spotted him first just as I was coming in to open up. I don’t know why, but you don’t think twice in these circumstances, do you – I mean not with these millions of immigrants jumping over fences in Calais and stuff, so I just went up and asked him who he was and what he wanted.” A muted round of applause followed and I was impressed with Mr Gimlet’s selfless disregard for his own safety.
Mrs Eileen O'Blimey recounts her ordeal

These are just a few of the eyewitness accounts I have heard today. There is genuine fear here as Police try to find the mysterious and possibly dangerous foreigner seen prowling the streets.

STOP PRESS! At approximately 5.21pm this evening, Chief Inspector Dave Grist made this local radio statement. “Earlier this afternoon, a man came forward and identified himself as Dr Miguel Gonzalez. Dr Gonzales was able to confirm that he was the foreign-looking male who had terrified locals. Dr Gonzalez had become lost and was trying to find his way to Glossop Royal Infirmary where he is to take up the post of Head of Psychiatry.”

Dr Miguel Gonzales
Later, through a hospital spokesperson, Dr Gonzalez added "What a bunch of nutters. As a psychiatrist, I expect to see quite a few of them again in the near future."

The Mail says: We give thanks for the grit and determination of journalists like Ms Fishwick whose Dunkirk spirit guards us against the threat of unbridled immigration. That today’s terrifying events resulted in a peaceful ending is irrelevant. Tomorrow, it could be a lorry-load of Islamic State butchers.

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