The Seagull (Chekov it isn't)

Joined in 'Any note you can scream I can scream louder' contest on garage roof. Got 'Highly Commended'. Dodged boot thrown by tosser at No.68. Went back and ate it. 

Flapped around looking for washing. There it was. Whammm!  Direct hit!

Was attacked by small fighter jet. Aimed for whites of the eyes. Went back and ate it.

Found copy of Daily Mail. Tore it into shreds - come in handy for nesting next spring; stuffed it down the chimney pot at No.37. That smoke's always a nuisance in the winter, and it'll keep the paper warm and dry.

Bad Hair Day?

Fairly typical education secretary; this one was
photographed in Kennington Lane, SE11.

Bad Hair Day?

Feeling like nobody's listening to you, too busily indulging in 'vapid happy talk'?

Bothered by all those teachers running wild after 3.30pm, wreaking havoc on the school bus and having holidays?

Even more bothered by the thought that young people might be indulging in messy activities like art, or dance, or drama instead of learning their times tables and proper dates?

Don't worry!

All this can be a thing of the past, just so long as you invest in a proper program of Wash 'n' Gove.

A timely application will mean that you can remember your numbers in the right order, and relate them to your fingers and toes. You will become familiar with approved literature, such as 'This little piggy went to market'.

Wash 'n' Gove miracle cure

You will have a proper understanding of laws. Especially scientific ones, and then you'll understand why cables from electrical goods wrap themselves round chair legs overnight, and why there are always too many dishes when it comes to washing them up, and not enough when it comes to eating off them.

English? You'll understand loads of proper words, and be able to translate the naughty stories by Chaucer and the like. Likewise languages, but you'll get to look at Balzac instead (very rude).

As for Geography... well, you'll not only be able to pinpoint Spaghetti Junction on a map of the world, but find your way round it.

All this, and lots more, can be yours when you get yourself a proper supply of Wash 'n' Gove. Available only from government departments.

And you, too, can end up looking like this:

The same education secretary, after a judicious
application of something or other.

Pangolin Gossip

Gertie Balloons has issued the following rebuke to Sheenagh-Shaunagh-Sheelagh O'Thing after the latter advised her to stop doing 'The Sausage Roll' in public and suggested she change her bin liner more often.

'Well yor a fat slag an i never liced yor music enyway an wen you had chickin pox wen you was six you was verry spotty an ugly an you was a four-eys in scool and Derrick Stikhorn never wanted to go out with you enyway.

So yar booo sux to yu an i'm gonna cary on waving my fish heds arouwnd were everwon can smel them.'

'Tweeet!'

Sheenagh-Shaunagh-Sheelagh O'Thing is reported to have rolled her eyes and commented that if that's how Balloons behaves in a demolition yard, 'I'm not letting her anywhere near my pumping station!'

Outlining the puddles on the days it doesn't rain.

In Honour of National Peotry Day, here's a Pome:

Master of faeries Richard Dadd

Was rather more than a Victorian fad

Placed in a cell with lots of padding

Because naughty Dadd done his dad in.

Ask Lady Violet

Dear Lady Vi,

Recently, my sweet ten year old niece made THE most awful gaffe during her first hunt. As custom dictates, The Master went to blood my niece with the expired fox’s tail and Jocasta, for that is her name, in a moment of confusion, ate it. Since then we have been shunned by all and sundry. What can I do?

Yours in desperation,

The Right Honourable Alice Fairchild-Twait

Lady V: My dear Alice,

My heart goes out to both you and Jocasta in your plight. Thank you very much for enclosing the photographic likeness of Jocasta - which instantly gave a clue as to how best to deal with this negative situation. I note that it is a proper photograph and not one of those ghastly images conveyed by those so-called ‘mobile phones’.

Simply remove the fox’s tail so that the end of it is no longer dangling out of her mouth. Better still, instruct one of the servants to do this. Tell them to be sure to wipe around her mouth to remove any telltale traces of its existence - dried blood, faeces, the odd scrap of fur etc - and your ‘shunning’ friends will forget the unfortunate incident ever happened. In all likelihood they will be too busy worrying that their teenage progeny are contemplating acts of violence against the establishment. Like getting a tattoo, for example.

Dear Lady Vi,

I have a pet horsefly called Ken. I have had him for ages at least three weeks but for the last two days he just lies on his back in his box and doesn’t move. I go to First Aid classes at Cubs and I tried the Heimlich (sic) manouvre on Ken. There was a sort of crackling noise but he still didn’t move. Mummy says he’s dead and why don’t I get a slug or something instead.

Yours fathfuly

Gavin John Punt (9)

Lady V: Dear Gavin,

I expect your Mummy calls you ‘Gav’, doesn’t she? I expect you eat at McDonalds and if you actually manage to get five French Fries - after your Mummy’s been at them - she probably thinks you’ve had your ‘five-a-day’, doesn’t she?

The only solution, dear child, is to put yourself up for adoption at the first available opportunity. Explain that your Mummy is in the habit of putting dead flies in your bedroom and that you wish to avail yourself of a family with decent moral values.

On This Day ...

Five Years Ago

A one-day symposium in Oxford for leading philosophers from around the country was cancelled when the three keynote speakers for the conference found themselves unable to agree what exactly was meant by 'October 5th'. Or 'Oxford'.

Twenty Years Ago

A production of 'Romeo & Juliet' performed by Scrope Valley Strolling Players ended prematurely when the two actors in the lead roles eloped at the close of Act III Scene IV and were then seen hopping on to a bus into Droitwich. Maintaining theatrical tradition that the show must go on, producer Neville Pooke leapt into the breach, along with props manager Trevor Groyne, two torches and a pair of scripts, for the continuation of Scene V, in Juliet's Chamber. The decision was then taken to abandon the play on grounds of Health & Safety, given the number and nature of the missiles being thrown by the audience.

Fifty Years Ago

In line with local custom, the bells of a Dorset church rang out 508 times, once for each resident, to summon all villagers on to the green for the annual Distribution of Crusts. The ceremony was attended by Lady ffoulke-Mee and the traditional thimble of milk from the Home Farm Dairy was awarded to Maisie Porgle, 94, of Home Farm Lane. Winner of the straightest carrot was Ernest Eazwold, who received his certificate from the Hon Lavinia ffoulke-Mee.