Pangolin Science: The Effects of Music on Plant Growth

They're a funny breed, scientists, what with their grubby white coats with biros leaking into the top pocket, bald heads and nhs spectacles - that and the way they used to attach polygraphs to plants.  They've been telling us for a long time that music has a beneficial effect on plant growth, so we conducted a survey to see what our Pangolin readers had to say.

Tobias Pumblechook of Stechford isn't so sure.

"Someone told me that playing music to plants makes them grow better, but it's a load of poppycock.  I've tried talking to plants and got only abuse in return, too.  Why, I was making encouraging whoops and shrieks to my vegetable patch, and even playing it highlights from the William Tell Overture - when my neighbours called the police.  The psychiatrist they called out told me to stop being a stupid pillock, and then made me walk home.  I thought I might do better with indoor plants, but I'm damned if I can get my herbaceous border into the living room.  Once again, the so-called experts get it wrong!"

Delphinia Spragg from Pratt's Bottom couldn't disagree more.

"Not only can music make plants grow better, but I'm convinced that music can turn people into plants. My seventeen-year-old son, Crucifer, listens to some right crap through his headphones during both of his waking hours - and he looks more and more like a cabbage every day!"

Pangolin Top Tip: Good News for the Orthodontically Challenged!

Guys and Dolls!  Has your orthodontist informed you that you need dental braces on your teeth?

...and are you heartbroken because the only ones you can afford look like this?

So you have the indignity of looking like a geek, on top of all the discomfort of having a length of fusewire and radio components shackled to your

dental appendages.

And do you look at your classmates in envy? 

The ones whose parents are tax-avoiding scallywags with private health insurance, and add insult to injury with their cool, trendy dental appliances which may well be selected to match their latest outfit or football team? Do you look at dental braces like these, and turn green?

Cease those chlorophytic thoughts immediately!

The Pangolin can now reveal that your dental braces can be as much a vehicle of self-expression, at a fraction of the cost!

Yes, all you need to do is wear your braces as per usual, and munch your way through several portions of diced vegetables; the precise species according to your favoured colours of the moment.  If that sounds a bit healthy for you, then a packet of mixed vegetable soup mix should do the trick.  

And you too can have a multicoloured mouthpiece.  Like this one:

"Eee, it were great", said Maisie Tonkers (aged 9) from Witney Scrotum.  "I 'ad red peppers an' tomatoes an' that, an' I dint 'ave to tell nobody I were a United fan!"

"They spotted it straight away when ah kicked 'ole  in litter bin, pulled it off t' lamp post an threw it through t' winscreen of t' police car!  Reet good night out, it were!"

The War on Obesity; A Scientist Speaks. The Pangolin’s Resident Scientific Adviser Dr P J Whimbrel

Good Morning. Or Evening. Depending on where you are. In Glossop and certain parts of Birkenhead, its yesterday. Time’s a bugger isn’t it? No matter. I have been asked to say something about recent recommendations made by a Mr Andrew Burnham MP, Shadow Health Secretary, about the food we eat and the road to obesity. I strongly suspect that Mr Burnham (5 stone 6 wet through) is not unlike my cousin, the celebrated gong soloist Pip Whimbrel who eats huge amounts, especially of raw suet, but never gains any weight. Dear Pip’s been 19 stone since he was three. You see, its all to do with something called metabolism. Or Mr Burnham’s got worms.

Whatever. 

It may be apposite at this point to draw your attention to some very interesting research I have been conducting into the relationship between humour and weight. We took two cartoons labelled ONE and TWO (TWO referring to the second one).

We showed these cartoons to a randomly selected group of people brought together by my colleague Prof Anna Prongg who hung a sign saying “BIG HANDFULS OF FREE MONEY IN HERE” outside Pangolin’s research HQ.

The results are interesting. All the fat mouthbreathers thought cartoon ONE was hilarious. Some collapsed in blobby heaps, weeping with laughter whilst others applauded and shouted, “****ing hell! That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen since the one with the bloke and the banana skin !”. The same group were perplexed by cartoon TWO. Some tried to eat it. Others shouted, “Where’s the money, then?” But not one cracked a smile.

Conversely, the thin, rail-like members of our randomly selected group, some sporting tattoos saying “Bilderberg! Find! Kill!”, dismissed cartoon ONE out of hand with shouts of, “Shameful working class parody!” and, “Ooh – er Missus, domestic violence is a crime!”

Upon being shown cartoon TWO, however, thin group members all nodded knowingly. Prof. Prongg noted at least three faint, sardonic smiles and several remarks including “Cool” ,“Wicked and, “Zebulon? What sort of a ****ing name is Zebulon?”

Sadly, at this point security had to be called as it turned out that one of the fatties was called Zebulon McHeftie.

Nevertheless, this unfortunately truncated piece of research does strongly suggest that if you like seaside postcard humour (cartoon ONE), you’re a fattie. If, on the other hand, you prefer cartoon TWO, you’re a pretentious conspiracy theorist and poor company to boot. 

Thank you.

And next week, my distinguished colleague, the very lovely Prof Anna Prongg, will tell us where all the money went.

The Pangolin can now reveal the government's latest tactics in the War on Obesity.  After all, when one's At War, the last thing one needs is an enemy who can vanquish one merely by plonking their vast bulk into one's lap. Especially if they then sit there, farting.

There are to be limits on the amounts of fat, sugar and salt in food.  "Why, it's not before time", observed Lizzi Titsrake of the Food Safety Council. "From now on, butter and margarine will be sold in packets no larger than 3cm x 1.5cm x 0.5cm.  And you'll only be able to buy one from each shop you visit.  Salt will only be available in those little blue twists of paper you used to get in crisp packets.  And as for sugar?  Everyone will be obliged to set forth with an icepick and carve their own (tiny) cubes from the EU sugar mountain. So yar boo sucks to you, Lardass!"

There will be a crackdown on pushers, too.  Those scandalous vans with names like "Mr Whippy" and "Supersoft Ice Cream" will be banned from purveying their wares outside schools and other places where impressionable youngsters, er, hang out - like behind bike sheds.  Anyone caught importing doughnuts or pizzas will face a hefty (sic) fine and face a lettuce diet for a minimum of 30 days.

There will be exceptions, of course.  Eric Pickles' Department is well known for spending around 4% of the GDP on custard tarts alone, and this is likely to continue throughout the campaign.  "After all", says Mr Pickles. "An army can march on MY stomach - we're performing a public service!"

"I'm terribly sorry.  I should have said.  Gerard hates rectangular plates"

On This Day

Five Years Ago

Winner of the Scrotby Women’s Institute competition, this month on the theme of Strangest Thing in Your Garden, was Joyce Snottles with her husband Keith.

Fifteen Years Ago

As the curtains met in the Village Hall on the last act of Potterton Players’ ambitious production of Aida, the lights came up to reveal not a single person in the auditorium. Describing the audience as very disappointing, Guildhall-trained producer Ronnie Laverstock was quick to praise his large cast, small orchestra and backstage army of helpers. ‘They’re all stars,’ he said, ‘troupers to the last.’ And the show went on.

Seventy Years Ago

Scientists working on the top-secret Neocol Programme in New Mexico gave first news of their breakthrough discovery of a new colour, previously unknown to science. Known only by its code-name, CQ239v is believed to be invisible to the human eye but an important player in the vision of goldfish. Writing in Aquarium News, Dr Ernst Schwieghandler warned the world to expect within ten years new developments in colour technology that could revolutionise engineering, medicine and the game of snooker.

Perv's Palace

(Courtesy of that nice Andrew Birch)

"Wait!  Raging Wind he say Watch Out - Another One On The Way!"

New Year's Address from Justin Webly More or Less Arch.Of Cant.

Hullo,

And a Very Happy New Year to you all. I want to take this opportunity to talk to you about New Year’s Resolutions. Did Jesus make and break them? Is that how the moneylenders’ stuff got trashed? Sadly, we’ll never know, but I want to share with you one of my own resolutions which is already in train even as I type.

Of late, I have said some pretty harsh things about a certain section of the Laity who voted against us having women bishops.

You remember – I suggested that they were small minded, regressive, sexist antiques. Well that simply will not do, and I really must embrace the idea of forgiveness. To that end I have called upon a growing band of volunteers to go out amongst these religious Luddites and be nice to them; show them a good time; entertain them, and bring them back into the fun-loving fold of the Anglican communion.

Space does not allow any more than two brief glimpses of a Modern Church healing itself.

Here, The Very Reverend Gaylord Pitchblend entertains Gordon and Betty Petty with his tuba. You can hear those feet a-tapping, can’t you?

Meanwhile, one of our brightest curates, Chris Nerk has anti women bishopist Dr R A Parsnip wreathed in smiles. (Sadly, Dr Parsnip turned out to be dead, but it’s the thought that counts).

For the Good of the Party

The Pangolin Community Service Reporter, Bartley Gruntbugleigh, has conducted a survey amongst Pangolin's many party-goers last night (some of whom are not entirely human) - asking for their topical tips - which will mean complexions will be less green, stomping armies inside skulls less insistent and fewer letters of apology required, when next faced with a January 1st.

4,983 New Years' revellers were interviewed in a variety of locations across the country, including Glossop, Cricket St Thomas, Margate and Goole, and the results were amazingly consistent. These results are best consumed on December 31st.  Or not, as the case may be.

-  For ladies;  on the subject of 'getting your tits out'.  If the social event includes mainly strangers, getting one out eventually is acceptable. Liberating both as soon as you cross the threshold can be disconcerting. That sort of social clanger can lead to drunken males waving their willies about unbidden.

-  Willies are scarier than tits.  Remember this if you're a bloke wearing a skirt (this includes priests' robes) and put on clean undies first. Or not, as the case may be.

-  If you're a bloke, frilly undies and French knickers are scarier than Dreadnought thunderbox male undergarments.  The reverse is true for ladies.  Not sure if this applies if you're a Catholic priest.

-  If you're going to a venue which has a cloakroom, check whether this is a euphemism for 'Bog' before relieving yourself in a corner.  Being a drunken fart is no excuse.

- If you go out wearing a tail, particularly a long furry one, don't forget you've got it on when you visit the lavatory.  If you normally go out like this then you've probably got the hang of it, but is a common mistake made by novices.

- Similarly, wings - especially if they're artificial ones and don't grow there naturally - can be as lethal as rucksacks if you turn round suddenly.  Though a couple of pirouettes can beat off unpleasant opposition such as drunken men with scary hairy beards with chickens living in them - and charity muggers.