Schoolgirl, aged ten, successfully defends against cyber-attack!

Ten-year-old schoolgirl, Maisie Tonkers, has discovered that if you spray a noxious mixture of liquid manure and washing up liquid from a Skweezy bottle, it is an effective deterrent against a cyber attack!

Any invading cybermen are instantly shrunk to the size of a Barbie doll, where they can simply be disposed of by means of a car boot sale, or eBay.

This specimen, Ashley Gronk - aged 27 in our earth-years - describes his experience.

"Well there was I, attempting world domination as is my wont on a Sunday afternoon - when all of a sudden there's this daft bint waving around a secret weapon and swearing.

I've never heard language like it. My Auntie Lucy would have been dead shocked, I tell you.

Then my world got suddenly and terrifyingly bigger. I just need to get out of this place. It's giving me warts and they'll be expecting me back for tea back home."

If you think you can help Ashley get back to Earth's twin planet, Mondas, please get in touch.