Behind the scenes at Glossop Initiative for Trade meeting

We know that the Glossop Initiative for Trade (GIT) has been getting a bit of a bad press recently. We know that we've been accused of being of being a bunch who Piss On Other People (POOP). Nothing could be further from the truth, and we're now banding together to show we've got the best interests of the community at heart. Our community, that is.

Derek Wancre-Stayner, of Wancre Egg Estates (WEE) perceptively identified local social problems:

• Rents in the area are too low. This means that the area attracts poor people, people who aren't prepared to pay £50.00 for a scented candle or a hand-crafted egg cosy. If this continues, the people who sell them will simply go elsewhere and be lost to the community forever.
• A lot of these poor people work in the care sector, which in turn attracts elderly people who aren't that good to look at, sleep a lot and give a bad impression of the town. Besides, those old folks' homes would be much better turned into executive housing.
• Planning Permission rules need to be reviewed. At the moment, you need Planning Permission if you want to put a tiny illuminated sign outside your shop, but Reg Bastard from the betting shop is still allowed to walk around wearing a shirt like that - in a residential area.
• When Wancre Egg Estates put a tiny illuminated sign outside their offices, local poor people thought that WEE was an instruction and complied with it.
• The quality of stalls at the local market is very disappointing. Some of them sell goods which are within the price range of riff raff - and this will only attract more poor people to the area.
• There are people wandering round the area who aren't very good-looking. Some of them even drink and do drugs. They should be rounded up and put elsewhere. Now, that German bloke - Der Furrier or something - he dealt with this sort of thing properly. We need to look for successful urban regeneration models elsewhere.

Of course this isn't an exhaustive list; the subject of dog excrement wasn't raised once during the last meeting - though it was mooted as a subject for the next. This may be up for debate since Daisy Hovercraft pointed out that it was not dog excrement on the kerbs, but human. People who'd been caught short since public conveniences were all locked shut to stop poor people going in there.