From the Pangolin Film Archive:

Ask Lady Violet

Dear Lady Violet

I'm worried that my boyfriend's a total slob and has a very smelly car.

When I went to clear it out the other day I found a dead body on the back seat. I questioned him about it, and he blustered a bit and said that a friend had given it to him because his blow-up rubber doll had been swept out to sea last week, and that what he did with it was quite harmless. It is wearing a wet suit.

Do you think I should contact the Glossop and District Sailing Club to see if they've lost anyone? I've tried using air freshener in there but it hasn't worked.

Yours,

Terylene Bollock-Phantasm

Tintwhistle, nr Glossop

Lady V:

Dear Miss Bollock-Phantasm,

                                                       

Doubtless you will have gathered by now, having read my other published letter, that you are deeply embedded in the nautical pooh. As you can see, the corpse has indeed been missed, which is bad enough, but made exponentially worse by the fact that its some lunatic from Glossop who's done the missing.

                                                        

Glossopians are not to be trifled with. Or blancmanged. Also, the fact that some of them have a sailing club miles and miles from the sea speaks volumes. There was a time that their watery activities took place on Wobbler's Flash, but that dried up in the drought of '76. Since then, they have fitted tiny wheels to their silly little boats. Most weekends they can be seen pushing each other around the arid bed of Wobbler's Flash, going "Yo-ho-ho".

                                                        

I have made discreet enquiries on your behalf. It seems that Mr Shuttlecock and his associates are a vengeful lot, especially the McIlhenny-Blipps, who regularly employ a certain Tommy No-Nose who reliably resolves tricky situations.

                                                        

I am very sorry to say that you fall squarely into the "tricky situations" category and can only advise that you immediately arm yourself, leave the country and commit suicide. All three, preferably.

I am

Yours anxiously,

Lady V.

Thought for the Day, with Justin Webly, more or less Arch of Cant

Hullo,

            

Justin here. I write in the Vale of Gloom and Despond. Despite my long and varied experience of distant shores, it is my fate to be forever English and today my patriotism is being tested. Our national football team is playing Costa Rica. Are they winning? I don’t know. Our cricket team is holding on by the skin of its teeth against Sri Lanka, so lately a place far away of which we knew little. I cannot help understanding the young man with the wire in his ear when he says, “Stuffed, Archie – that’s what we’ve been – stuffed!” And as I type I can hear my lady wife sobbing quietly.

            

So, what would Jesus have done? He would have straightened his back and carried on – that’s what he would have done. And so I cast around for a New Cause; a campaign to rally our tattered army. But what might that be? The Lord knows I have tried to save it from rapacious money lenders. How might I save it from a desperately average football team? I know not and must now retire. Who knows, perhaps a steaming mug of Ovaltine and sleep might bring the answers.

This morning my prayers were rudely interrupted by the young man with the wire in his ear rushing in shouting, “’E’s done it again! The loony’s done it again!” It transpires that a foreign footballer had bitten another foreign footballer. One Luis Saurez, a Uruguyan player, had used his teeth on an opponent. Not for the first time, apparently. I don’t mean that Saurez bit THIS opponent more than once, but that whilst playing for two other clubs he had similarly assaulted opponents. The young man with the wire in his ear and my lady wife were laughing helplessly, tears of mirth rolling down their cheeks and chanting, “Get yourself a dog called Saurez, Roy!”

           

I moved immediately to close all the windows and play some well-loved hymns on the gramophone, loudly. Outsiders hearing chanting like that could lead to all manner of misunderstandings about the Archbishopric.

           

Whilst I was pleased that the young man with the wire in his ear and my lady wife appeared happier now, I resolved to pen a line or two to The Holy Father in Rome. I assume that Mr Saurez is Catholic and I feel sure that the powers that be in the Vatican would rather not have one of their own roaming the world biting people. That sort of behaviour, whilst falling some way short of defenestration, does give religion a bad name.

           

Finally, despite our crushing defeat by Sri Lanka in the Test Matches, I do not agree with the young man with the wire in his ear’s assessment of our cricketers. They are not “a bunch of plonkers” and will soon regain the sort of sporting assertiveness needed to win without, I sincerely hope, biting umpires.

Our gardening expert writes:

Confession time, folks. I don't like lettuce. Not in the garden, not on my plate and certainly not wandering around on the plate. Call me a fussy eater if you like, but as a general rule I prefer mine to be the first mouth entered by any food that I consume. The folds and crevices of your average lettuce leaf can conceal whole populations of unsavoury wildlife.

If you're on a health fad and must eat lettuce, much safer to stick with that white stuff from the supermarket that's been nuked since birth. Or go for a small tin of vegetable salad. That's the simple way to get your Five A Day.

Freeing up a good part of your vegetable patch means cutting down on tiresome chores like digging and hoeing. Ground thus recovered can then be paved or permanently gravelled to provide a good base for a shed or even two. It's surprising just how many sheds you need in gardening.

This month's jobs: time to power-wash the patio, not forgetting adjacent walls, barbecue area and parking strip. Use an electrically powered weedbrush to get between the cracks of masonry slabs and remove all signs of algae, moss and unwanted greenery. Water-cannon garden furniture and ornamental figures. Remove targeted bird excrement from wind-chimes. Apply a double dose of strong disinfectant to inhibit the spread of unsightly lichens on solar-powered lamps. Scoop dead fish from pond.

Summer is always a hectic time for being outside and taking on Mother Nature. Enjoy!

Latest Acquisition by Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That

Amazing Sprouting Onion, Languedoc, 1889