Pangolin News Flash

Acclaimed bear hunter, Weevil Boreholes, has mysteriously vanished whilst on a trip in Yellowstone National Park. His mobile phone was left at the scene of a grizzly bear death, with only one photograph on it (see below). Anyone who can offer any information as to his whereabouts or last movements, please contact the Park Rangers on +1 307-344-7381 as it is feared he may be the victim of a poucher.

Great News! Secretary of State for Education visits Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That!

Michael Grope, Secretary of State for Education, has paid a visit to Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That - his main focus was the educational programme, and he's given us his customary level of encouragement.  Exciting day for the Museum indeed! The kids who were there as part of the Heritage Day had a great opportunity to try out the vintage weapons in a real life situation as they clashed with the minister's army, before continuing their potato prints based on the work of Henri Matisse. The final score was 5:3.

There was face painting for the under-fives.

Pangolin Gossip

 Pangolin Award Winner, Gertie Balloons, has just caused scandal by dressing up in a bin liner with holes cut in strategic places and wiggling her ass in public. The ass has been impounded by the RSPCA, but this has not deterred the singer/actress/model/brainless sleb as she promotes her latest album, Norks on the Wild Side.

Gertie Balloons' 'scandalous attire'

Balloons (20, 30 or 48, depending on who you believe) is particularly keen on the new phenomenon known as 'Twonking', where you make movements suggestive of acts normally carried out in private - such as cleaning out your ears with a cotton bud, and removing crab lice.

She then posted pictures of herself on the social networking site, FaceFlannel. These caused consternation partly because of her scanty attire and partly because she is known for having a body type tending towards the spherical, and the offending photos were far more of the hourglass type. Significantly, her face isn't visible, and the rumour mongers think it isn't her at all.

One of several controversial FaceFlannel
pics - is this Gertie at all?

Or has she used a stunt double?

Drawn from Life

On This Day...

Fifty Years Ago

Reunited with their families were a young couple from Cornwall who had left their respective homes in the early hours of Sunday with the intention of eloping to Gretna. However, two days of train delays and missed rail connections soon turned high spirits into frustration, recrimination and anger. Finally, engineering works on the line at Didcot caused the unnamed pair to re-think their future. On reaching Birmingham, they travelled home, in separate carriages.

Sixty Years Ago

It was reported that Government boffins working in Wiltshire had achieved an extraordinary breakthrough that could profoundly alter our understanding of the laws of physics. Pending the outcome of talks at the highest level, no further details could be supplied at the time of writing.

One Hundred Years Ago

Archaeologists in Wiltshire were forced to abandon work on a site near Salisbury when excavations of three barrows and an underlying henge failed to yield the hoped-for signs of treasure trove. Blaming grave robbers for the absence of precious finds, team leader Fortinbrass Hudspole declared the site null and void, ordering that it be ploughed over and re-instated as farmland.

Pangolin Poetry

Tracy’s bed and Damien’s shark

Left the punters in the dark.

Is it Art or a bit of malarkey ?

“Who cares ? It sells !” said wily old Saatchi.

View from Civic Hall

As our seasonal revels fade from memory and we crawl towards the cool respite of Autumn, it falls to me as Council Leader to reflect on the wonderful summer we’ve just enjoyed. The town festival went so well that the incident with the runaway traction engine has been almost entirely forgotten and work will soon begin to rebuild the war memorial flattened during that terrible accident, along with the wall outside the town hall, the corner of the police station, the Putney childcare centre, Uncle Bob’s Hot Dog stand, and the east wing of the hospital. Civic engineers estimate the damage will cost us £2.5 million, though we are delighted to report that the festival did raise nearly £750 towards our new swimming arena.

On a more upbeat note, the winner of the tombola was ticket 287. As yet, the prize remains unclaimed. So, if you do want to win a meal for two in the company of Mr and Mrs Edgeshaw, the town historians, find that ticket and prepare yourself for six hours (or five courses, whichever is longer) of the finest municipal tales!

Turning to council business, I today instructed the town’s engineers to look again at the potholes which local cyclists brought to our attention at the last council meeting. Cyclists are always prone to exaggerate about the size of our potholes but I accept that those on High Street are considerably larger than the national average. Sadly, the search for cycle club member, Mr George Leadbarrow, has now been called off after he fell into the pothole on Sandshaw Drive, Bareman Road, and the Cricket Club. The good news is that after the recent heavy weather, the Cricket Club has asked permission to rename itself The Angler’s Club and they are now accepting membership applications to fish the pothole which the council have graciously voted to name Prunefield Lake. I am, of course, delighted by the honour, as well as having more proof that the short termism I introduced to borough planning is again showing long term rewards.

Next month, we should have some exciting news to report about the closure of our library. I know there has been a lot of local anger about this necessary cut in council provisions but I believe that will be more than alleviated by the news that we’re already in advanced discussions to convert the old reading rooms it into a beauty salon and tattoo studio. As I’m sure it says in the good book: where there was knowledge, let there be light! Ultraviolet light, fully compliant with The Sunbeds (Regulation) Act 2010 and costing only £4.50 an hour and brought to you by the good people at Prunefield Healthcare (‘The skin of a ninety year old, today!’™).

Thought for the Day, from Justin Webly, more or less Arch. of Cant.

Hullo,

When I showed the rough draft of what you’re about to read below to the young man with the wire in his ear, he threw his hands in the air and said, “Archie (his amusing nickname for me) Archie, you can’t go public with this. They’ll have your guts for garters! Look at the embarrassment you caused for some of Mr Osborne’s friends when you had a pop at Wonga. I’ll tell you Archie, straight up, one or two of them were muttering about getting rid of this turbulent priest. What’s turbulent mean, Archie? So scrap it, eh? Write something nice. Something about flowers and trees and birdies and how grateful we should be to God for them.” 

Then he screwed up the rough draft and ate it.

So here I am, tucked secretly into one of the gardener’s wheelie bins, since my hiding place behind the organ was discovered. Its pretty cramped, so the writing might be a bit wobbly.

Anyway, what I wanted to comment upon is the dire situation in Egypt. What’s going on there is ammunition for those who say that religion causes more conflict than peace, and I have to admit that they’ve got a point. What’s needed in Egypt is a far more relaxed and laid-back approach to Belief. Same goes for Northern Ireland. Being a Catholic or a Protestant does not mean that you are compelled to hurl lumps of concrete at the Police. And if marching about wearing silly bowler hats causes – now what’s the word? Yobs. That’s it. Yobs to hurl lumps of concrete at the Police, stop marching about in silly bowler hats. I mean, its not the coolest of headgear, is it?

The need to be cool in Egypt is even more pressing because there, if voters or yobs feel obliged to hurl concrete at the authorities, namely the army, the army will shoot them and they will become dead. 

That’s what armies do.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this, and it was at this point that the young man with the wire in his ear ate the rough draft earlier today. And I have the most excruciating cramp in my left leg. I’m afraid I am forced to abandon this missive and exit the wheelie bin. If I raise the lid slightly I can see there’s nobody coming… must get this to my carrier pigeon… need to rock the bin a bit to tip it over…am now crashing sideways, covered in mulch and earwigs, whilst thinking desperately, what would Jesus have done?

A Letter from Dragvonia (we don't get too many of those)

Dearly Mr Pagnolin,

                                     Onkel Bippi is here and  bring always you greetings from Dragvonia House of Carton to all cartonists with in our heart love.

Here in Hose of Carton all we are beliving in power of carton not guns. Dragvonia have many guns and many cartonists. Sometime more, sometime less, depend on Secret Police.

                                        House of Carton invite you enter Dragvonia House of Caarton Grand Carrton Contest. Please to chose one of below subjec.

[1] “ Funy Side of Ethnic  Cleansing”

[2] “Tesco Wages Poor But They Love Me Anyway”

[2] “ Miroslav Grolbutzikov is Animal”

[4] “ What To Do With Mental Patients”

Please to send to me at sectreting adres : Avenue T34 Tank

                                                                                  Skrib Nodol 12786397

                                                                                   Dragvonia.

First Prize; Golden Flak Jacket of Fun and 37 million viggis

Second Prize; 10 million viggis

Third Prize; A Big Kiss from Onkel Bippi

Also, Peoples Prize, decided by Secret Police.