"This bedroom tax thing intrigues me. Farnsworth - nip along and count ours would you please?"

Oyez! Oyez!

Spring’s a bit slow showing up this year isn’t it? All to do with the jet stream pointing the wrong way or something.

What hasn’t slowed up is this government’s rolling programme of daft ideas. A multi-multi billion quid high speed train. A hundred million quid link road from Hastings to Bexhill which will take the hapless drivers across a well-established flood plain. How useless can you get? Useless that is, in terms of yer ordinary plebs like you and me. For Dave and his independently rich chums, it's not unlike Mrs Thatcher’s Falklands War. Granted, the UK recomissioning a few obsolete bombers, steaming warships down the Atlantic and sacrificing soldiers and sailors whilst knocking seven bells out of Argentina’s c class war machine including a 300 year-old cruiser didn’t last long, but it did win an election on a wave of Churchillian pride. With Dave’s super–train, it’ll take a tad longer (20 years) but the important thing is the ANNOUNCEMENT, not the completion.

It's not unlike the re-hash of the benefits system ("Hooray, hooray!" from the Daily Mail wing). What an utter balls-up that is. One of Dave’s rich boy chums said the other day that whilst in the past, rent was paid direct to landlords, NOW the tenant would be responsible for doing that. He added that this change would “educate” people about the management of money. How incredibly arrogant can one rich kid get? Its no wonder leeches like Wonga and all the pay-day lenders are getting fatter and fatter.

Then there’s the laughable bedroom tax. A kid leaves home for university. Does he/she still have a room at home? Short answer. Dunno. Long answer. Dunno.

Enough. Happier things … you must all hey-ho to the Shrewsbury International Cartoon Festival for its 10^th Anniversary show, 19^th-21^st April. This year’s theme is “TIME” it’s the biggest corralling of notable cartoonists in the country, all of whom will be seen working live, all for free! Best and busiest day is usually the Saturday (20^th) Even smoothiepants London can’t offer this level of attraction.

OK – plug over.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir or Madam,

I was interested to read in your “On this Day” section reference to certain garden birds. Quite apart from regular garden forays from the Stoned Curlew, my husband and I have witnessed visits to our garden from the far rarer Completely Hammered Curlew. These dishevelled looking birds usually arrive in noisy groups, stagger about a bit, damaging my phlox, before being driven off by a mating pair of spectacled twites which live in a flowering turnip bush near our pond. Often they are assisted by our resident crested henfumblers when the latter tire of interfering with the chickens.

I hope that this has been of interest and will get my name in print.

Yours Truly,

Emily Bangtrouser (47) (Mrs) 

Dear Mr Pangolin,

                                 
I wonder if you can help me. I live in a one–bedroomed maisonette. I am a 76 year old widower with no plans to remarry though I do quite fancy Elsie Bridgestone who runs the bar down the British Legion. I want to know about the government’s new bedroom tax under which you get taxed if your bedroom is empty. Friends tell me that if I can’t afford to pay, the government can move somebody in. Does that mean that when I come back from the shops there’ll be a homeless person in my bedroom? Can I nominate somebody? I’d pick Elsie Bridgestone who is not exactly homeless but could be if I shop her to the council for cheating on her benefits.

Yours faithfully,

Alan Ballast

Familiar Pangolin Staff as Juveniles. (1) Dr Peter Whimbrel

The above photo shows Dr Peter Whimbrel in his immature form; it was before colour TV was invented and people still lived in black and white.  His parents, Skulduggery and Miasma Whimbrel, were nevertheless delighted that he had managed to power a single lightbulb by the simple expedient of attaching a dynamo to his pet rat's exercise wheel.  His invention of the treadmill followed soon afterwards, long before anyone had thought of making him a doctor.

As you can see, he was as much of a nutter then as he is now, though his distinctive tapir-like proboscis was only in its formative stage.

He is shown here trying to grow the fingers of his fingerless gloves, using only the power of his personality and his funny little squinty eyes.

Museum Selection

The Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That is proud to offer you a preview of its latest range of gifts;  gifts that will last a lifetime, gifts that you will want to pass on to your children, gifts which will mark you out as a pretentious pillock with more money than sense!

Firstly, the 'Jackson Pollock' table cloth...

There was a time when you sighed and tutted when your children split their Ribena and icecream on your spotless linen table cloth.  You sighed, tutted and possibly even uttered rude words when they were old enough to spill red wine and regurgitated curries on it!

Let this be a thing of the past, with a wonderful 'Jackson Pollock' table cloth. Every trail of ketchup, salad cream and ink will become part of this masterpiece, which will gain in maturity with every passing generation.  You will be so entranced with the general slobbishness of your extended family, that you won't even want to wash it - thereby saving you the kind of household chore that really should be carried out by the servants in any case.

This beautiful item can be yours for only £1345.00.

The 'Paul Cézanne' Shelving Unit...

Billy Bookcases and their kin are for the riff-raff, let's face it.  To mark yourself out as a person of culture, treat yourself to one of these fabulous
hand-crafted pieces of furniture.  No two are exactly alike, the fixings being attached randomly by the factory cat and then removed randomly by the factory practical joker.

We understand your need to proclaim yourself as an intellectual, and this wonderful unit comes supplied with a  selection of books on a theme which you feel represents you to the world in the best light.  You will also get your own Cézanne apples, some of which may sit on the shelves, and some of which merely sit there all out of proportion whilst giving your guests a worrying distortion of perspective.

The available themes are:

Differential Equations in Beekeeping
Spectroscopy for Caterers
Social Foundations of Manhole Covers
History of Booties and other Knitwear
Greenfly for Beginners

Yours for only £125,000.00

The 'Damien Hirst' Aquarium...

Love the relaxing tranquility of an aquarium in the room, but keep forgetting to feed your fish?

Forget it!  We can supply you with a mammoth stuffed goldfish, freshly pickled in formaldehyde, which is guaranteed to stay as vibrant as the day you bought it!

When you've had your fill of looking at 'Goldie' staring to the left, simply turn the aquarium round to make him stare to the right.

With advance warning, we can even come and collect the dead shoal of fish from your current aquarium, prepare them and install them in the 'Damien Hirst' aquarium!  (£500 per fish).

The whole item including installation and goldfish as shown:  £150,000.

"He's been poncing about like that ever since he was in that damned tapestry."

We at Pangolin H.Q. are proud and excited to have acquired the services of astrological rebel Madge Fishwick, bête noir of the star world. Says Madge:

“I can’t be doing with all that planets, stars and heavenly bodies malarkey. I just get these feelings about people, when their birthdays are, and what sort of eyebrows they have. I work best with peoples’ belongings, especially their pin numbers and bank details, but failing that, if you send watches, partial dentures or socks to Pangolin HQ, I’ll give you a personal reading for £45.99p + VAT.

For this column though, which I should add, I’m doing for next to nothing, everything’s going to be fairly general. So let’s kick off with…

Aries.... Not a good week. If you’re an especially vain but balding, nonedescript bloke and you wear a wig, you will realize that people ARE sniggering behind your back. You will be consumed with feelings of revenge and on the 15^th will be caught fiddling with the brakes on your boss’s car.

Taurus…. You were born under the so-called “practical” sign, but believe me, that’s total bollocks and when it comes to flat-pack furniture assembly, you’re just as inept anybody else. Watch out for that Stanley knife.

Gemini…. The Twins. Huh! Two people in one? Don’t you believe it. If you’re born under Gemini, you’re just an indecisive pain in the arse, forever changing your mind and irritating everybody. And yes, your bum looks huge in that. Because it is. It’d look big in a tent.

Well, thanks Madge. No punches pulled there. Brace youself for Cancer (oo-er!) Leo and Virgo (oh yeah?) coming soon!

For Sale - Double Yellow Lines (faulty)

Glossop and District Council had decided to put in double yellow lines along Cock-a-Hore Road (where the seasonal parking used to be) in order to prevent congestion.  I decided to try it in my bedroom, but the pile of dirty clothes, old newspapers and takeaway cartons is as bad as ever.



I now offer for the sale the double yellow lines;  they are clearly non-operative, but may be useful to an enthusiast for spares.

Only £40.00 for the pair.

Delivery:  Free;  local pick-up only.